I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
