ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He felt like a one man threesome
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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