I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
