she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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