Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
