hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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