So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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