He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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