he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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