Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
