what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
