I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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