I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just want to make out with him forever
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
