I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
