You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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