Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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