he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
