So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So squirting runs in the family.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
