She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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