and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
