Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
