its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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