I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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