I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
