Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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