just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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