I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize