I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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