So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
