I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
