My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
