Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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