the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
