when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
