Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he fucked my hip out of place.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize