Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
