you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
