My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
