im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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