mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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