Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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