Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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