Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
false alarm, still single
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