dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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