I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
