White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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