The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
