I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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