Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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