Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
