I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
