What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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