I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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