Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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