I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
