The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
