i may or may not be watching the land before time
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
