1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
me + whiskey = a bad person
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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