I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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