when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
