she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
