the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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